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The Great Squirrel

September 9, 2020
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A real-life druid once said, “When the Great Squirrel travels to the center of the universe, it will find a walnut hiding in a hard wooden shell. The Great Squirrel, filled with malice towards the universe for not giving the answer to the meaning of life, which everyone knows is 42, will smash the walnut open creating a cascade of chaotic events resulting in the universe’s collapse into nonexistence. Those events known as the debacle of 2020 will feed the walnut meat as the Great Squirrel devours the growing flesh in a glutenous rage. As his stomach extends, the universe will cease to exist as it is today. Being a glutton, the Great Squirrel will not stop eating the universal walnut flesh.

Let’s face it… walnuts taste great, so we can’t blame the squirrel.

With his stomach stretching, the Great Squirrel won’t know when to stop. Instead, he’ll consume the walnut until every delicious morsel enters his stomach, pressing against the fleshy insides, at which point…

he’ll explode.

The Great Squirrel will send his fleshy, gooey squirreliness into an empty void, creating an alternative universe, a universe where squirrels are kings, and humans are farm animals enslaved to grow the sacred walnut.”

That real-life druid was me.

Praise be the Great Squirrel, Lord of Sciuridae, Great Enemy to the Winged Ones, Harasser of Felines, Destroyer of Wires, Creator of the Next Universe!

~ True Quotes by Will O’Shire

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Vengeance of the HOA – The Llama #1

January 23, 2021
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Vengeance of the HOA spawned from a combination of Twitter threads, cult rulings, and Solar Opposites. This is the first installment. If you like it, share it on Twitter and tag me so I know to continue the story. 🙂 Filled with llamas, ninjutsu, waffles, goblins, punch, and pie, it

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Tharmit the Marmot

September 20, 2020
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Tharmit the marmot beared no resemblance to a marmot. The stocky dwarf walked into the gas station, shoving a frail human to the side. His bulky armor clanged through the aisle. Passing an end cap full of chips, the battle-axe hanging at his side caught the edges, tearing the bags

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The Trash Collector

September 20, 2020
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Kevin jumped into the air, swinging his leg in a perfect roundhouse kick. He boxed an invisible, imaginary specter, a memory of his friends standing in front of him. As he calmed himself with a slow breathing exercise, he turned to the darkened room with a light hanging from a

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Recent Articles

Vengeance of the HOA – The Llama #1

January 23, 2021
|

Category:

Vengeance of the HOA spawned from a combination of Twitter threads, cult rulings, and Solar Opposites. This is the first installment. If you like it, share it on Twitter and tag me so I know to continue the story. 🙂 Filled with llamas, ninjutsu, waffles, goblins, punch, and pie, it

Read More

Tharmit the Marmot

September 20, 2020
|

Category:

Tharmit the marmot beared no resemblance to a marmot. The stocky dwarf walked into the gas station, shoving a frail human to the side. His bulky armor clanged through the aisle. Passing an end cap full of chips, the battle-axe hanging at his side caught the edges, tearing the bags

Read More

The Trash Collector

September 20, 2020
|

Category:

Kevin jumped into the air, swinging his leg in a perfect roundhouse kick. He boxed an invisible, imaginary specter, a memory of his friends standing in front of him. As he calmed himself with a slow breathing exercise, he turned to the darkened room with a light hanging from a

Read More

The Curse of Witchy Things

September 17, 2020
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Inspired by Sarah, wand maker & friend of witchy things Creaking chains screeched against metal as the wind blew. Everyone thought they were safe, even Sarah. Despite being into witchy things, Sarah never expected the malicious creature to raise its head from underneath. A few days ago, it reached out

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