The Great Squirrel

A real-life druid once said, “When the Great Squirrel travels to the center of the universe, it will find a walnut hiding in a hard wooden shell. The Great Squirrel, filled with malice towards the universe for not giving the answer to the meaning of life, which everyone knows is 42, will smash the walnut open creating a cascade of chaotic events resulting in the universe’s collapse into nonexistence. Those events known as the debacle of 2020 will feed the walnut meat as the Great Squirrel devours the growing flesh in a glutenous rage. As his stomach extends, the universe will cease to exist as it is today. Being a glutton, the Great Squirrel will not stop eating the universal walnut flesh.

Let’s face it… walnuts taste great, so we can’t blame the squirrel.

With his stomach stretching, the Great Squirrel won’t know when to stop. Instead, he’ll consume the walnut until every delicious morsel enters his stomach, pressing against the fleshy insides, at which point…

he’ll explode.

The Great Squirrel will send his fleshy, gooey squirreliness into an empty void, creating an alternative universe, a universe where squirrels are kings, and humans are farm animals enslaved to grow the sacred walnut.”

That real-life druid was me.

Praise be the Great Squirrel, Lord of Sciuridae, Great Enemy to the Winged Ones, Harasser of Felines, Destroyer of Wires, Creator of the Next Universe!

~ True Quotes by Will O’Shire